Understanding People-Pleasing and How It's Treated in Therapy
People-pleasing is a behavioral pattern characterized by a constant need to please others, often at the expense of one's own needs, desires, and well-being. People who engage in people-pleasing may struggle to set boundaries, have a deep fear of rejection or conflict, and often sacrifice their own happiness in an effort to gain approval or avoid disappointment from others. While being considerate and helpful is not inherently harmful, when people-pleasing becomes a way of life, it can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and anxiety.
Fortunately, therapy offers effective ways to address people-pleasing behaviors and help individuals build healthier, more balanced relationships with others and themselves.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is often described as a pattern of behavior in which individuals prioritize the needs, desires, and expectations of others over their own. People-pleasers typically feel compelled to say “yes” to every request, avoid saying “no,” and go out of their way to make others happy, even if it means sacrificing their own comfort or well-being.
People-pleasers might:
Avoid confrontation and conflict at all costs
Have difficulty saying “no” or setting boundaries
Feel overly responsible for the feelings and happiness of others
Seek constant approval and validation from others
Feel anxious or guilty when they aren’t able to meet others’ expectations
While being kind, considerate, and helpful is valuable in relationships, people-pleasers often take it to an extreme, becoming emotionally drained and feeling like they’re losing touch with their true selves.
What Causes People-Pleasing?
The roots of people-pleasing can stem from various sources. Some common causes include:
Childhood Experiences: Many people-pleasers develop this behavior in response to childhood experiences. For instance, they may have grown up in an environment where they felt their worth was based on how much they could do for others. In families where love, attention, or approval were conditional, a child might learn to prioritize others’ needs to feel valued.
Low Self-Esteem: People-pleasers often struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth. They may believe that their value depends on others' approval and will go to great lengths to gain that approval. This can create an unhealthy cycle of seeking validation from external sources rather than developing internal self-acceptance.
Fear of Rejection or Conflict: Many people-pleasers have a strong fear of rejection or conflict. They may avoid saying “no” to others or assertively expressing their own needs, fearing that doing so will lead to rejection, disapproval, or an argument.
Cultural and Social Expectations: In some cases, societal or cultural expectations can reinforce people-pleasing behaviors. For example, women in certain cultures may be socialized to be nurturing and accommodating, while men may feel pressure to be constantly giving or strong for others. These external pressures can contribute to people-pleasing tendencies.
The Negative Impact of People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing may appear to be a selfless and kind way of interacting with others, it can have significant negative consequences on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being:
Burnout and Exhaustion: Constantly trying to please others is emotionally draining. People-pleasers often neglect their own needs, which can lead to burnout, fatigue, and resentment over time. They might feel like they are always giving but never receiving in return.
Anxiety and Stress: The pressure to meet everyone’s expectations can cause high levels of anxiety. People-pleasers worry about letting others down, causing conflict, or being judged negatively. This can lead to chronic stress, as they constantly feel on edge, trying to manage everyone’s happiness.
Lack of Boundaries: Without clear boundaries, people-pleasers are vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation. They often find themselves overcommitted, overwhelmed, and feeling taken for granted by others. The inability to say “no” can also affect personal and professional relationships, as they may become resentful or feel exploited.
Suppressed Emotions: People-pleasers often suppress their own desires, feelings, and opinions in favor of what others want. This can lead to a lack of self-awareness, frustration, and difficulty understanding one's own emotions, which may result in depression or emotional numbness.
Superficial Relationships: Because people-pleasers are more focused on others’ needs than their own, their relationships may lack depth. They may struggle with authentic connection, as they may not feel comfortable being their true selves around others.
How Therapy Treats People-Pleasing
People-pleasing behaviors can be deeply ingrained and challenging to change. However, therapy provides a safe, supportive environment where individuals can explore the underlying causes of their people-pleasing tendencies and develop healthier patterns of behavior.
Here are some of the primary therapeutic approaches I use to treat people-pleasing:
1. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective treatment approaches for people-pleasing. CBT helps individuals identify and challenge the negative thought patterns that drive people-pleasing behaviors. People-pleasers often have distorted beliefs such as "If I don’t meet others' expectations, they won’t like me" or "I have to be perfect to be accepted."
Key Steps in CBT for People-Pleasing:
Identifying and Challenging Negative Thoughts: Therapists help clients recognize the thoughts and beliefs that fuel their need to please others and explore how these thoughts might be unrealistic or harmful. For example, clients may learn that saying “no” doesn’t necessarily lead to rejection.
Behavioral Changes: CBT encourages clients to practice new, healthier behaviors, such as setting boundaries and expressing their own needs. Clients may start by practicing small, assertive statements or gradually saying “no” in low-stakes situations.
Cognitive Restructuring: CBT helps clients replace people-pleasing thoughts with more realistic, balanced thoughts. For example, instead of thinking, "If I don’t help, they won’t love me," they might replace it with, "It’s okay to take care of myself, and my worth isn’t based on how much I do for others."
2. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is another effective approach that can help individuals let go of the need for constant approval from others and focus on living according to their values. Rather than trying to change people-pleasing behaviors directly, ACT encourages individuals to accept their feelings and act in ways that align with their personal values, even if it causes discomfort.
Key Components of ACT for People-Pleasing:
Acceptance: ACT helps individuals accept the discomfort of saying “no” or setting boundaries, understanding that it’s okay to feel anxious or guilty but that these feelings don’t need to dictate their actions.
Defusion: ACT teaches techniques to "defuse" or detach from negative thoughts that may fuel people-pleasing, such as "I have to please everyone to be loved."
Values Clarification: ACT helps individuals clarify their core values, encouraging them to act in alignment with these values rather than constantly seeking external validation.
3. Assertiveness Training
Assertiveness training helps individuals learn to communicate their needs and desires in a respectful, clear, and direct manner. For people-pleasers, learning how to say "no" and express their own feelings is often a significant part of therapy. Assertiveness training focuses on:
Healthy Boundaries: Teaching individuals how to set clear, healthy boundaries without feeling guilty.
Conflict Resolution: Helping individuals engage in conflict without fear of rejection or harming relationships.
Self-Advocacy: Encouraging individuals to express their wants and needs in an honest, non-apologetic manner.
4. Building Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
One of the root causes of people-pleasing is often low self-esteem or a lack of self-worth. In therapy, individuals can work on building a stronger sense of self by:
Self-Compassion: Learning to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, rather than self-criticism.
Self-Acceptance: Embracing their authentic self without needing others' approval.
Self-Reflection: Encouraging clients to explore their own desires and values, helping them gain clarity about what truly matters to them.
Putting a stop to your people pleasing is very possible. Reach out for your free 15 minute consultation to get started.
